So tired of having this blog for this shade of me, that tumblr for that shade of me, etc. It feels like I keep hiding different shades of me from different people and I have no one central place where I can just be me, all of me, without worrying about what the readers will say or think. Or feeling like "No, I can't post something about -this interest- because it doesn't fit the theme of -this place-."
Granted, there are very few people who know all parts of me. I've learned that I'm very secretive by nature. If I don't share something, someone can't use it to hurt me later. And trust me, I've been severely hurt by someone who did just that.
I think there is one person, Michael, who knows it all. My deepest, darkest, dirtiest secrets. I've known him for either 12 or 13 years. I lost count along the way. I could tell him something off the wall and he wouldn't bat an eyelash. In fact, due to his amazing life experiences, he's satisfied some of my more out-there curiosities with his forthcoming counsel. He's one of the most open-minded people I've ever met in my life and I hope he knows without a doubt that he will forever hold a piece of my heart no matter where this journey of life takes me. He has my undying love and loyalty. He will definitely know the URL to this blog.
On the next closest rank of confidants would come Justin. He is my rock. We have a complicated history, going back umm 4 years, I think. We were an online couple for awhile, then we weren't and we've had a long stretch getting back to where we talk almost daily. Justin knows almost as much as Michael. I remember when I set up a FetLife account and I told Justin that I had, but that I was really nervous giving him the information to find it because of what I had put there. I was probably going to get around to it eventually but I was uber-stressing about the content and how it may affect his view of me. I was surprised as hell that he was hurt by that. I think I kinda had it in my head that he'd just say "That's ok baby, I understand. You can show me if you want to," which I think he did say that after he expressed how hurt he was. Me being the way I am, which will come out in my future postings I'm sure, I caved and gave him the URL while mentally looking for a hole to crawl into. The second surprise was that he wasn't judgmental at all. He doesn't share, or probably understand, some of my kinks, however some he had an inkling about so they weren't massively huge shocks to him. However, once again, I'm on the fence about giving him the URL to this blog. Out of everyone that I know, HE is the one that I worry the most about acceptance from. With Michael, I know I have it hands down. Justin also has my undying love and loyalty.
Besides these two, none of my friends come close to knowing of all the shades of me. They each see me in whatever light/role they've cast me in in their own minds. I had one friend tonight get his mind blown because I posted something of a sexual nature on Facebook. His explanation was he doesn't view me in a sexual way and is uncomfy with it. He sees the sweet, bubbly, childlike side of me that I've shown to him ... and pretty much everyone else. Granted others have no problem connecting me and sex, but he does. I told him, while laughing, that I totally understood since I have friends like that myself.
The fact of the matter is if he had any idea the depth of my sex life and all the things I've been involved in, he'd have a stroke. LOL
I'm one big hot mess of dichotomies and facets. I want one place to be able to put them all out there, whatever phase I'm interested in at the moment, without worrying about repercussions. If I want to post about the fact that my car tags are overdue, then fine. If I want to post that I've read a book involving one woman and her relationship with two dominant men and how it sparked a flame that I've been semi-obsessing about for the past few days, then fine. If I want to post about needed to be spanked OTK, then sent to bed with a pacifier and burning bottom, then fine.
So this place is for me. You are welcome to read along and feel free to ask questions or leave comments.
Kenzie
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